Thursday, November 30, 2006

God, does the world ever stop spinning? I want it to, but I heard we would die if it did, we would fry or something. the hardest thing about blogging is finding where to put commas. i usually sike myself out and put too many. back to the nauseating spin...

i know everyone has problems. i know everyones world spins. i blame myself all the time for being the problem, but are my kids to blame themselves. cause they have sinned, knowingly or not, ever since they were little bitty. it was like it was instinct. i really don't care who we blame i just know i want the holiest person i know to come up to me and say he/she just smoked weed. no kidding. it makes me feel normal, sord of stops the spinning. thats whats nauseating, coming up short seems to be everybodys commonality. not that i want anyone to smoke weed, or that i want anyone to fall into temptation. just admit it to me. merry christmas Josh, i got drunk last night and lied to my wife. something of that nature.

not problems like my ice machine makes smelly ice from the stanky city water or my friend who has acne in his armpits. im talkin about problems stemming from denial that send your world into a mad spin when you are blindsided by its consequence.

i had a another pastor friend get seperated from his wife the other day... and the world spins madly on...

Monday, November 27, 2006

Love Wins... Eventually

Monday, November 20, 2006

I actually look forward to blogging right now. I feel like I have some much to say and no one to say it to that hadn’t already heard it from me. The common phrase I hear about me is “well, what can we say, that’s Josh.” My only concern with this way of journaling is this could be more fire power for them. I am pretty sure this is why I am looking forward to blogging. “Screw them or you”, if you don’t like me, don’t read me. Problem 2, I already told people about this spot, so it’s like I asked them to be my friend in blogspot world. Not that I am taking back this invitation, but the following blogs are the way I see it, like it or not, this is me…

I need a myspace with out the hoopla, where people see me from a different light. This is closer to a confession booth in which I confess to the world. I need to confess to you that I am fake and I know it. This is sort of a weasel way of doing it, but for me this is a long awaited time of my life. It is almost like breaking up with someone over the phone. They (he/she) don’t fully understand why you are breaking up so abruptly and especially over the phone, nevertheless they need to know. All of their friends will proceed to talk about you being a jerk or coward, but honestly that’s not late breaking news to you. I would rather let it out someway through some avenue than sitting in fake smile space. This fake smile space eventually turns into denial and naïve world. I usually never spend enough quality time with anyone to get to authentic confession.

I have a couple friends, seriously. Somehow they know me. When we get together we absolutely vomit on each other and it’s great. Not just normal great, but great as in breaking up the right way. Of course every once in a while they will flinch longer than I would have hoped for, but the best thing about the time with them is the freedom. Some body accepts me for me and will actually take the time to get to know me. I usually can’t wait to meet with them over coffee or fruity tea. I never think I look forward to going to church as much as I do about meeting with them. Church to me, is sad like the war in Iraq. No one can figure out why we are really there. We know we need to defend freedom and support justice, but why there - in that place. I mean, can’t I do that anywhere. Whatever. I run my mind ragged trying to do the right thing and help someone, but I find myself sitting in a pew listening to someone who lives in naïve world or at least acts like it. I could seriously have the same conversation every week with the same people at all the church buildings where I go.

My philosophy is being real, which many people translate as shock factor. If you want to label it shocking go ahead. I guess, one man’s shock is another man’s normal. Peace.

Monday, November 13, 2006

I am confused all the time. Seriously, I really am confused all the time. Many people talk to me as though they agree with me about different subjects, but majority of the time I don't know if I agree with me. I believe one thing one moment and then I am not sure the next. People that agrivate me the most are people so sure of themselves. They are so sure of themselves that they always act like everything is so simple.

The weird thing now is... I am starting to take pride in being confused and confusing. It is more theraputic than nodding my head in approval or saying I understand.

For example, when I first got married. Many people said, "One day you will wake up and ask what the blank happened, this is not what I had planned." Five years later I say, I was confused from the beginning of marriage and I had some false motives (if you know what i mean). You see what had happened was marriage woke me up to true love. I need somebody who knows I am confused and knows when I am actin a fool trying to convince people I am generally not confused.

This is who I am... I think.

Friday, November 10, 2006

There might be a problem with me even acting like I really am a blogger. Whatever a blogger is? I minored in english and still don't care too much for formaility or grammer, but here is my rookie effort.

First, I do not like reading most other peoples blogs, even my good friends. I get bored quick. I do not like talking on the phone either. Something very impersonal about it. I broke up with my wife on the phone once because we were in different cities. We weren't married then. It's not that I am not interested in your story(blog), I just like body language.

This is Shane's fault.

Let's keep this short for the first experience. I want to be in this for the long haul, plus I just deleted a paragraph b/c I went back to read it. (I just leaned back and took a big breathe b/c there is tension with myself) That was an example of body language.

I sord of feel like a rapper who is trying to sing and everyone listens with a tilted head trying to like it because I was good rapper.

My last and final thought comes from my need to journal. Man this was fun.

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